My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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