plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize