I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
