no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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