he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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