she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
