Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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