i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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