he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
