Hey man sorry I got all grabby
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize