I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
