the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
