I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
