tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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