i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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