Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
