So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
