I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
