I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
