I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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