im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
