My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I supernannyed him into submission
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
