Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
