i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
