I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
