Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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