Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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