omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
