if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
