i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i will never coherently bang her
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
