At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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