so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
