i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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