She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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