are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
