Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
