Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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