We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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