In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
