i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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