I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
