Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
