he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
