I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
