so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
