Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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