It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
