First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
