fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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