Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
