I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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