Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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