Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
