Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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