The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
