She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
