you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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