jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
