I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
