Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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