Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
